Dear Diary
by Grandiose Me
Summary: F!Aeducan/Zevran. The diary of the Lady Aeducan, second-born child of noble King Endrin and favoured daughter of Orzammar. Sort of.


Dear Diary,

Had to wear grandmother's armour to provings and feast today. Very uncomfortable in chest, suspect grandmother was not well-endowed. Put me in bad mood. Trounced would-be suitors in provings anyway, though. Think they let me win – not want trouble for giving king's daughter black eye. Sissies. Had to listen to Bhelen drone on and on about Trian having evil plan.

Of course Trian has evil plan. Bhelen has evil plan too. Called 'politics'. Bhelen suspects murder plot – am starting to worry about his mental health. Trian assface, not murderer. Would have killed Bhelen by now otherwise.

Will have to keep eye on them.

* * *

Dear Diary,

May have underestimated Bhelen's levels of insanity.

Am sitting in prison cell now. Trian dead – slightly distressing. Have had murder pinned on me – even more distressing. Hope father or assembly gets me out soon. Prison cell not pleasant. Have already heard all of the other inmates' lewd jokes. Food tastes terrible, too.

Think I hear someone coming. Hope it is Gorim.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Deep Roads even less pleasant than prison cell. Was sentenced to fight darkspawn until dead. Have moved Bhelen onto permanent shit-list now, crazy or not. Gorim says to find Grey Wardens. Am trying to make my way up to surface alone in meantime.

Not easy going. Good shoes surprisingly hard to find down here.

* * *

Sky is going to eat me oh ancestors it goes forever please help nothing up there just blue blue forever going to die kill Bhelen for this so dead am going to fall into the sky…

* * *

Dear Diary,

So. Am on surface now. Managed to find Grey Wardens. Life becoming progressively more terrifying – have gone from horrible prison to horrible Deep Roads to horrible surface world. Smells like garbage and something have been told is 'wet dog' up here. Try not to look up too often, but sky is EVERYWHERE. Giant fiery ball hanging over everything, goes away sometimes but always comes back again. Very unnerving.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Have gone with Grey Wardens to place called 'Ostagar'. Met human king. Am impressed – was very good at pulling off 'total idiot' façade. Extremely believable. Also met new Grey Warden named Alistair.

Considerably less impressed. Suspect humans may also be susceptible to sky madness. Apparently have to follow him into woods, kill some more darkspawn to get their blood. Symbolic or something like that. Was more interested in hanging around dog pens – did not know dogs were that big! Met sick one. Will look for magic healing flowers for it, per wrinkly-faced human's request.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Little known fact – Grey Wardens TOTALLY INSANE.

Was forced to drink darkspawn blood. And lyrium. Apparently part of super-special 'Joining' ritual to make more Grey Wardens. Other human (sane one) pointed out how this was VERY FATALLY STUPID thing to do and got stabbed. Drank goblet to avoid getting stabbed myself.

Not liking Duncan very much right now. Or Alistair. Feel like someone who just drank DARKSPAWN BLOOD AND LYRIUM, which is not good.

Can see why Grey Wardens keep Joining a secret now. Obviously would be thrown in prison otherwise.

* * *

Dear Diary,

As new Grey Warden (gag) am supposed to go on special side-mission during upcoming battle. Suspect I have been assigned as Alistair's babysitter. Am leery of going on another side-mission – got betrayed last time that happened.

Oh well. At least odds are against it happening again, right?

* * *

Dear Diary,

Ancestors must hate me.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Alright. More specific. Guess what happened? Got betrayed again! Stupid grumpy human decided to flee battle with army rather than charging at signal. Would have been darkspawn food, but got rescued along with Alistair by crazy old lady from the woods.

Oh yeah. Met crazy old lady in the woods before Joining. Also, crazy lady's marginally-less-crazy daughter, Morrigan.

Turns out human king, Duncan, and other Grey Wardens are dead now. Not too broken up about that. Alistair depressed, though. Apparently have to save surface world from darkspawn with just him and crazy lady's daughter for help. Will probably ditch them at next town, go try and find Gorim.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Am too soft. That is the problem here.

Alistair moping about like baby nug whose mother has been eaten. Even stopped Morrigan from poking him with sharp stick at night, felt so bad for him. Truly pathetic. Humans very bad at dealing with mass-carnage, apparently don't fight darkspawn very often.

Found dog from Ostagar, though. Have decided to keep him. Scent of dog everywhere, so actual dog's presence not much different.

Arrived in place called 'Lothering' today. Human towns odd. When darkspawn push back line in Deep Roads, dwarves move closer in to Orzammar. When darkspawn push back line on surface, humans panic and start asking invisible man to save them. Very strange. Saw some of grumpy human's soldiers in tavern. Killed them with help of crazy lady who talks to humans' big invisible man, most fun since exile. Let crazy lady tag along, mostly to annoy Morrigan.

Miss Gorim. Much better company than these idiots.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Found BIGGEST MAN EVER in a cage today. Bigger than humans, even. Called 'Sten'. Made crazy lady let him out of his cage, would not be suitable for darkspawn to eat world's biggest man.

Also met dwarves on the way out of Lothering. Am starting to understand innate camaraderie of surface dwarves – had forgotten how nice it was to talk to someone without getting crick in neck.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Going to have to save surface world from darkspawn. Alistair burned both hands making dinner tonight. Clearly, not saviour material. Decided to head for Redcliffe.

More competent humans there, maybe.

Hopefully.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bad news – Redcliffe overrun with zombies. Good news – actually did meet competent human. Named Bann Teagan. Can make plans and doesn't talk to invisible people!

Also, turns out Alistair is son of king. Who knew? Apparently 'illegitimate', though, since mother was not made part of household, and got raised in barn and chantry instead of palace. Or something. Wasn't paying much attention, human customs very strange.

Anyway, will be fighting zombies tonight. Told walking dead are terrifying. Probably just gross.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Have learned that name 'Teagan' is most obnoxious sound ever when screeched with Orlesian accent.

Walking dead indeed just gross, not terrifying. Won battle fairly easily, despite Redcliffe knights running into fire-trap set for zombies. Not sharpest knives in drawer. Next morning got visit from crazy Orlesian woman, told Teagan to go to castle or else nephew would die. Had to follow through secret dungeon passage.

Turns out Teagan's nephew is one making zombies. Apparently is possessed by a demon, according to whiny mage and mother. Would not be surprised either way at this point. Some controversy over what to do – kill boy or kill boy's mother. Would have done the last one just to stop screeching sounds, but Alistair pitched total bitchy fit.

Going to place called Circle Tower instead. Mages there supposedly experts at killing demons.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Caught Leliana giving Morrigan's chest speculative look this morning. Totally not buying innocent priestess act anymore. Possible insanity is also faked.

Hmm.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Have been grossly misinformed about mages' demon-slaying competence, unless getting possessed en-masse is part of elaborate honey-trap.

Arrived at Circle Tower to find mages locked in by angry templars. Was not surprised at first, but then found out that mages were extra-locked-in and lousy with demons. Will have to go through locked and barred door to fight demons to save mages so mages can go to Redcliff to fight demon and save boy.

Suggested bringing Connor to tower and throwing him in with the rest of them, let nature sort it out. Leliana and Alistair not amused.

Seems like perfectly good idea to me.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sloth demons apparently dumber than bag full of hammers. Was going through tower, killing demons and listening to old lady mage (named Wynne) talk about circles when one attacked. Wound up in dream of Duncan at Weisshaupt fortress.

Stupid demon. Might have stayed if it had been dream of Orzammar banquet hall. Am almost disappointed it wasn't, Fade very boring place. Can see why demons always trying to leave.

Managed to wake up everyone else, listen to old lady mage make speech about finding each other. Ridiculous. Didn't find each other. Got found by _me_, very different situation. Didn't press the issue, though, had to go kill gigantic monster-mage and save First Enchanter. Not very healthy looking old man. Am worried he'll die on way to Redcliffe, but have been assured he is tougher than he looks.

Found big black tome with weird writing in it. Gave it to Morrigan, got her to stop complaining about not killing all the Circle mages.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sten hilarious conversationalist. Kept telling First Enchanter about mages getting tongues cut out. Suspect sense of humour actually lurking somewhere in there.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Slight hiccough on road back to Redcliffe. Were waylaid by injured travelers who turned out to be bandits who turned out to be assassins. Killed most of them. Managed to not kill elf one, got him to tell us who he worked for. Unsurprisingly, turned out to be hired by grumpy human.

Elf begged for life. Decided to spare him. Good idea! Seems to know very many lewd jokes, all new to me. Also, nice to have companion who is not _total_ giant.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Saving Connor from demon very boring. Had to sit through lots of chanting, then let old lady mage go into Fade to kill demon. Wound up exploring castle, rifling through drawers. Humans apparently not prone to put locks on everything. Hmm.

Found busted-up amulet with funny squiggle on it. Wanted to ask Alistair what squiggle meant, turned out amulet belonged to his mother. Hope that was not accidental human marriage proposal or something. Keep getting weird googly-eyed looks from him now.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Met trader on road. Actual trader, too, not demon pretending to be bandit pretending to be trader or something. Had control rod for golem! Rest of group not impressed, but vetoed complaints in favour of going to get it. Have always wanted my own golem.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Apparently, am no longer allowed to go _anywhere_ without demons or darkspawn or possibly demon-possessed darkspawn turning up.

Went to village to get golem. First whole town was overrun with darkspawn, then activation words didn't work, then bitchy town leader made us go into his basement to find idiotic daughter. Human children far too prone to making nice with demons. Had to solve stupid puzzle and kill evil cat and am starting to suspect that surface world has driven me crazy. Would make more sense if everything so far was twisted hallucination.

Got new activation codes for golem. Will try them in the morning. In the meantime, have thought of control rod joke Zevran probably does not know.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Good news – Activation code worked! Bad news – golem no longer compelled to obey control rod. Still following us around, though, so possibly a net plus. Alistair afraid it will squish us all while we sleep.

Am willing to take the risk.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Totally messed with Sten's head today! Convinced him that dwarves come in three genders. Had to help Zevran up off the ground when he finished laughing, pick twigs out of his hair. Then got into argument with Alistair about whether to head north to Orzammar or East to Brecilian Forest. Tried to explain, dwarves of Orzammar not going to be happy to see me. Should put it off. Alistair thinks extra travel time not worth it.

Idiot should have thought of that before he put me in charge. Too late now.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Stupid Alistair. Gigantic humans should not be allowed to make faces that sad! Am _way_ too soft.

Way. Too. Soft.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Got to Orzammar. As expected, not warmest welcome ever. Gate keeper called me 'kinslayer'. Told him 'not yet'. Found out in less-than-gentle way that Father is dead. Am not crying, by the way. Just happen to be holding paper under water that falls from the sky.

Not making that up, either. Have theory that sky is blue because invisible net is holding water up there. Gets leaky sometimes.

Asshole companions not even remotely sympathetic. Not fair. Am always faking sympathy for _their_ stupid problems.

Wonder if Bhelen poisoned father?

* * *

Dear Diary,

Harrowmont going to make terrible king. Perfect revenge, really. Screw Bhelen out of crown, screw Orzammar out of good leader, screw everyone overall.

Still sucks. Stupid Orzammar. Like a bad lover – just want it back, even after everything.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Am in STUPID DEEP ROADS again! Argh! Have to find Paragon Branka to secure vote for Harrowmont. Had to explain what Paragon was to companions four different times, plus bring along Branka's drunken ex-husband, disgraced warrior named Oghren. Think I heard something about him murdering someone. Says he pisses ale – might believe it. Seems to be all he drinks.

Other companions freaked out about Deep Roads. Worst thing is travel time, really. Darkspawn down here, of course, but most have gone topside for blight. Won't be too bad.

* * *

Take it back take it back take it back ancestors I take it back make it not be real anymore…

* * *

Dear Diary,

Well. Have learned many new things about darkspawn. Very educational experience.

Archdemon big scary dragon. Actually not worst revelation down here. Apparently, darkspawn reproduction involves kidnapping women to rape, feed dwarven flesh and bile, and taint until turned into something called 'Brood Mother' which is…

Imagine most horribly distorted, grotesque version of woman ever. Multiply by one thousand.

No one deserves that. No one. Could have been me, if things had gone different, if not for Grey Wardens or Legion of the Dead or other escape route.

So. Anyway. Found Branka. Crazier than reputation would lead one to believe. Sacrificed her house to darkspawn to create Brood Mother so she could test traps and reach sealed tomb of Anvil of the Void. Had to kill her, of course. Destroyed anvil, too – not a good idea to piss off only companion made entirely of stone and resentment. Still, met Paragon Caridin! Almost made up for other stuff.

Have crown from him to give to Harrowmont. Should make Bhelen shit granite.

Going to curl up into little ball and rock back and forth for a while now, while no one else is looking.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Oddly enough, wasn't _actually_ planning to kill Bhelen. Funny how life works out. Not complaining, but wasn't expecting him to hand me golden opportunity wrapped in fancy paper - rushing whole Assembly with gaggle of barely-armed nobles.

Guess actually am kinslayer now. Prophecy fulfilled!

* * *

Dear Diary,

Had interesting conversation with Sten outside Orzammar. Told me he was locked in cage because of lost sword. Also, something about killing whole family, but already knew that part. Promised to help find sword.

Look on Alistair's face totally worth it. Going back to Lake Calenhad now – should add quite a lot of travel time to trip.

Teach _him_ to use sad-face eyes on me. Ha.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Scavenger at Lake Calenhad referred us to 'merchant' outside of Orzammar.

According to Leliana, Alistair 'having kittens'. Was not aware humans could do that.

* * *

Dear Diary,

'Having kittens' apparently figure of speech. Am somewhat disappointed.

* * *

Dear Diary,

'Talked' to 'merchant' outside Orzammar. Got redirected to rare weapons collector in Redcliffe. Could not have planned this better myself! Listened to Alistair ask Sten why sword was so important. Very amusing. Should not have done that.

Also had interesting conversation with Shale (Golem). Wants to go into Deep Roads again, to find old thaig for some reason. Said yes, of course. Why not? Already here.

Hope there are no more Brood Mothers.

* * *

Dear Diary,

No more Brood Mothers. Ancestors must like me again. Found plaque with golem names on it, though. Took another tracing for Shaperate.

Oh! Forgot to mention! Turns out golems made of dwarf souls. Good reason not to use Anvil of the Void, dwarves very stupid about own souls sometimes. Suppose golems not have to worry about losing stone sense, though. Think it might be happening to me. Starting to feel less strange above ground – might just be sky madness, though.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Found Sten's sword! Am surprised. Was sure weapons' collector would send us back to Lake Calenhad, give Alistair very amusing heart-attack.

Now am worried about accidental _Qunari_ marriage proposals. Getting googly-eyes from Sten this time. Sort of.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Crisis averted. Got taken aside by Morrigan last night, asked if we could go kill her mother. Knew we would have more procrastinating to do! Told Alistair and got to watch him make funny noises about it. Still, Korcari Wilds not too far from Brecilian Forest. Practically on same route.

Spent rest of evening listening to lectures from Wynne on being Grey Warden. Wanted to mention order's utter insanity, but opted for tuning out rest of conversation instead. Lady likes sound of her own voice too much. Eventually stopped when Zevran came over to compliment her breasts.

Letting him live was best decision ever.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Suspect Leliana has been trying to read this. Caught her asking Oghren and Shale about dwarf runes.

STOP LOOKING AT MY WRITINGS, LELIANA. YOUR MAKER DOES NOT LIKE SNEAKS AND SPIES. I HAVE ASKED WYNNE AND ALISTAIR AND THEY ASSURED ME THAT THIS IS TRUE.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Leliana looking miserable all day for some reason. Finally got fed up, decided to give her white flowers found by the road. Was told human women liked flowers! Thought it would be '_nice', _not '_moving and intimate gesture of eternal friendship'. _Had enough. Am finally asking Wynne about human courtship rituals, figuring this shit out.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Wynne only want to talk about long-lost apprentice. Very boring.

Will ask Zevran instead. Bet he knows.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Morrigan's request – get book from mother, kill mother. Morrigan's mother frail old human lady last time I checked. Not difficult, right? Except frail old human lady is shape-shifter. Oh well. Turn into bear, maybe? Wolf? Particularly sinister moose? No. DRAGON. Morrigan's mother turned into FREAKING DRAGON. Had to hang onto its head and hack at it until it stopped moving! Almost got eaten!

Dragons not easy to kill. Oddly enough, dog was best at it. Possibly size issue – Sten went down fast and hard. Told Morrigan, next time, she kills her own dragon. Passed along tip about dogs, though.

Getting googly-eyes from _her_ now. According to Zevran, unfortunate byproduct of being deadly sex goddess. Am apparently just that attractive.

Must be curse.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Dalish elves grumpy lot. Suspect eternal life of camping is reason why – haven't been doing it nearly as long myself, and am already considerably less pleasant person than before. Also suspect Keeper Zathrian is lying about werewolves. Has it written all over his shiny bald head. Idea corroborated somewhat by talking werewolves in woods.

Oh yeah, Dalish being attacked by werewolves. Had to wander around confused until little elf girl told me what werewolves are. Then had to go into woods to kill chief wolf, or something. Don't much care. Found really neat material called 'ironbark' – very light and strong. Did not know trees produced such things.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Everything in forests is deadly. Have been attacked by trees, darkspawn, bears, wolves, werewolves, demons, and am eyeing that squirrel nearby with healthy suspicion. Will get dog to chase it off for good measure, maybe. Found abandoned campsite and nearly got eaten by demon again. Am dwarf! Pretty much opposite of mage! Should not get attacked by demons this often!

Anyway, had to find acorn for weird rhyming tree (don't ask) but have made it into 'Werewolf City' now. Almost killed talking werewolf, but crazy other wolf intervened. Wonder if forests have pockets of hallucinogenic gas. Might explain A LOT.

Asked Zevran what he knew about Dalish, if this was normal. Zevran only elf I know! Was perfectly reasonable to ask him! Turned out to be good idea, anyway. Found out his mother was Dalish. Gave him some gloves, was actually nice moment.

Suspect moving through werewolf ruins will be considerably less pleasant.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Called it. Zathrian full of shit. Turned out to be responsible for whole werewolf curse. Lots of shouting ensued, somehow wound up talking him into taking off the curse. Wasn't really paying a lot of attention. Werewolves not best smelling things ever.

Zathrian dead now, though. Whoops. But elves not really angry about it, mostly just relieved not to get eaten by werewolves anymore. Can totally relate. Will be glad to never see a werewolf again.

Heading up to Denerim next. Alistair and Leliana all for finding Urn of Sacred Ashes. Think we might as well look for four-eared nugs and unicorns, too, but is good a waste of time as any.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Tried talking to Alistair last night. Got his whole life story, tragic business about estranged sister. Wants to find her in Denerim. Tried to explain siblings are nothing but trouble, but wasn't getting through to him. Made mistake of chatting with Leliana instead.

Apparently, Leliana former Orlesian spy. Could not care less. Orlais human nation. Feel kind of bad about her being tortured, though. Probably explains the insanity.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Got attacked by more assassins on the road today. Thought they were crows, got Zevran worked up in professional fury at general sloppiness. Very fun to watch. Then found out they were mercenaries.

Mercenaries not even hired to kill Grey Wardens or anything! Were after _Leliana!_ Apparently woman from Orlais wants her dead. Will probably have to kill her or something. I don't know, but lead mercenary was dressed like _total idiot_. Made fun of him while he was limping away.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Terrible news! Gorim taken by sky madness!

Found him in Denerim market, selling wares to humans. Says he enjoys life on the surface. Has married surface dwarf! Seems happy in insanity, at least. Small mercy. Personally, am heartbroken. Poor Gorim.

Was not in very good mood after that. May have shouted at Alistair's long-lost sister for being money-grubbing bitch. Felt bad afterwards for ruining his reunion, told Alistair he was my friend. Maybe shouldn't have. Googly-eyes getting _worse_.

Also found weird lady sending mercenaries after us. Sent her back to Orlais. Not very bright – why spend money trying to kill wacked-out kook like Leliana?

* * *

Dear Diary,

Found man in Denerim with information on Sacred Ashes. Sort of. Actually found man in Denerim pretending to be assistant to man with information on Sacred Ashes. Anyway, have new destination now! Small town called 'Haven'. Way over on other side of Ferelden, too. Alistair _thrilled_.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Apparently, when not sword-related, procrastination bad on Sten's nerves, too. Had to explain to him why mad quest for mythical item was legitimate expenditure of time.

Kind of came up blank on that one. Fortunately, Sten still has massive crush, so half assed hand-waving actually worked.

Found pair of Antivan boots in back of Haven shop, after town turned out to be filled with insane cultists. Gave them to Zevran, of course. Made lots of jokes about leather euphemisms until Wynne started clearing throat loudly enough to make herself cough. Stopped then, and managed to find missing Urn-expert hidden in back room of chapel. Stubborn old man taking us to the mountain.

Am wondering how anyone even knows it has healing powers. Could just be dead people dust.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Default state of humans is sky madness. Only possible explanation for cultists worshipping GIANT DRAGON.

Fortunately, got to practice dragon-slaying skills again. Fared much better this time. Told Sten it was archdemon practice, made him think that was legitimate reason for coming.

Still haven't found urn full of dead woman yet.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Andraste sadistic bitch.

Hope she _was_ the giant dragon we killed outside. Only plus side to Trian being dead? Not having to talk to Trian anymore. Go into magical/cursed shrine, what happens? Have to talk to Trian's ghost. Massively cruel thing to do.

Found urn, though. Still not sure dust will do anything, but not my fault if it doesn't. Had non-Morrigan humans gushing over it for some reason. Can't understand burning untainted dead, but maybe human souls go to sky instead of stone? Seems big enough for it. Heard in Denerim that human chantry says dwarves have no souls, so might just be different places for them.

Kind of sad thought, for some reason.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Thought Zevran was giving me googly-eyes last night. Must be imagining it – happens so often, seeing it everywhere now. Zevran hardened assassin. Might want sex, but wouldn't get mushy about it.

* * *

Dear Diary,

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Shockingly, Zevran not exaggerating sexual prowess. May possibly be in love with him.

I mean. Um.

Pidgeon crap.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Heading with magical dead woman dust to Redcliffe to appease crazy Orlesian banshee. Got lecture from Wynne on relationship with Zevran, apparently old lady mage of opinion that Grey Wardens celibate order. Hated to burst bubble. Grey Wardens already taken fertility plus several decades of life, not giving them sex, too.

Was extra loud with Zevran later just to make point.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Oghren sobered enough to ask about finding old flame on surface. Lake Calenhad calls again! Alistair not even distressed this time, though. Probably too nervous – Arl Eamon's life hinging on pixie dust, after all.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Damn. Owe Leliana twenty silver, now.

Arl Eamon cured by pixie dust. Who knew? Apparently dead woman was magic after all. Anyway, Arl Eamon all for making Alistair king and kicking grumpy human out of palace. Fine by me. Not sure how 'illegitimate' son will convince human assembly, or why Eamon has aversion to taking throne himself, but human politics apparently weird like that.

Alistair protesting about not wanting to be king, either. Human throne cursed or something?

Actually, could believe that. Last two kings apparently not too fortunate.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Human politics not actually all that different. Still ends with me in prison.

Came back to Denerim, with Arl Eamon this time. Greeted by grumpy human and entourage of assholes. Lots of posturing. Had to resist urge to just kill everyone, not entirely sure why right now. Then got word that grumpy human's daughter was kidnapped. Apparently wanted to switch sides, got locked up for her trouble.

Obviously trap, of course. Had to go anyway. No one listens to me.

Now am sitting in dingy prison cell with Alistair. Told him not to worry. Zevran and Leliana good at infiltration – otherwise, can always just lure guard over using sex goddess wiles.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Got rescued by Zevran. Totally did not get warm butterflies about it. Or when Zevran handed over obviously sentimental earring.

Am so doomed.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Queen Anora not nearly good enough at acting. Cailan had idiot play down pat. Anora very bad at covering up innate bitchiness, doesn't bode well for leadership abilities. Wants to make alliance to stay queen. Would have laughed in her face, but Alistair still moping around about not wanting to be king.

Oh well. Not like I care who screws up human governing system. Gave Orzammar's crown to _Harrowmont_, for love of ancestors, can live with handing Ferelden over to bitchy cow.

Got tip about trouble in elf part of city, anyway. Might be able to dig up good dirt on grumpy human. Know how to do this, at least. Play human lords like dwarven assembly. Appearance of honour seems just as important. Get grumpy human all tarnished up.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Humans burned down elven orphanage. Killed little elven children. Grumpy human was selling elves as slaves.

Am immeasurably angry. Am furious. Am also confused. Plight of elves not my business, not dwarf business. Might be _intellectually_ outraged, but shouldn't be this mad. Haven't been this mad since assembly exiled me.

Zevran not interested in having sex anymore, either.

Feeling all around terrible.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Human 'landsmeet' pure madness. Like shouting in assembly, but worse. Had to get into argument with grumpy human over what to do about darkspawn killing everyone. Wound up dueling him anyway, should have just done that from the beginning. Had to win over assembly for right to duel? What? Anyway, was planning to make Anora queen, of course.

Seemed like simple logic to me – Anora becomes queen, killing Anora's father in front of her, not good idea. Not pleasant, but pissing off monarchs generally stupid. So, let Loghain yield. Was going to follow Riordan's good suggestion for what to do with him.

Oh yeah, Riordan – Grey Warden. Found him when going to rescue Anora. Orlesian, kind of quiet.

Anyway, Alistair pitched _absolute fit_. Made bid to seize crown. _What._ Spent all this time bitching about not wanting crown, goes and takes it at most inopportune moment anyway? Wanted to smack him like misbehaving child. Instead had to renege on promise to Anora, support his stupid bid. Felt like unreliable bitch.

Alistair king now. Killed Loghain, locked up Anora.

Am not best pleased with him.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Just had weirdest conversation with Alistair ever. Sky madness explanation looking more and more likely.

Apparently, have been broken up with. Was not aware of courting Alistair in the first place. Have presumed cultural misunderstanding, tried to be tactful about it. Keep getting forlorn looks from him now.

Still not having sex with Zevran. Ancestors hate me again.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Headed to Redcliffe for big showdown with darkspawn. Got there, found out darkspawn are heading for Denerim instead.

Is like bizarre game of war tag.

In good news – had talk with Zevran. Apparently freaked him out with feelings. Was hoping that was it. Sex is totally go again now, am very happy about that. Also, think he _is_ giving me googly-eyes.

Kind of hoping battle doesn't kill me now. Zevran's luck in love downright terrible so far, would be bad for him to lose someone else.

Er, also bad for me, too. More importantly. Of course.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Got perfect revenge on Alistair for landsmeet stunt. Made him have sex with Morrigan.

Don't ask.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Will be my last entry, probably. Out of pages.

Humans and elves tougher than they look. Denerim in ruins, but everyone picking themselves up and clearing away rubble and corpses. Alistair might make half-decent king after all. Bad at organizing people, but pretty good at making _me_ do it.

Dragon-slaying practice came in handy – managed to kill archdemon, fairly substantial accomplishment. Still trying to find out if Gorim survived attack on city. Lots to do. Other friends all alive, though! Except Riordan. Kind of sad about that, but had pretty awesome death, so maybe not too bad.

Been spending lots of time clearing out alienage with Zevran. Going to make it nicer than before.

Am still much too soft. Will keep being real problem for me, I know.

* * *

~Fin.


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